Motivation.

Last night was my best friend's bachelorette party.  I had a great time, I got to see a ton of friends and party it up.  But this morning, when I was looking at all the pictures from the night, I was horrified.

I have heard from many people to have a picture for inspiration, your "fat picture."  I suppose I shouldn't be so negative, but that's what it is.  I couldn't believe how big I looked.  Not that I've ever been small, but it was just like a reality check with these pictures, because it's been awhile since I've seen myself, besides in the mirror.

I will be committed.  I will be strong.  I will do this.

Somewhat Strange

So, even though I haven't been trying my hardest, I have had a ton of people say that I look like I have been losing weight.  One that really hit home was my mom, since I haven't seen her in a few weeks.  Today she told me that she could really tell that I was thinner.  Which kind of dumbstruck me.  I mean, with all the McDonald's and fast food I've been eating lately?
But now that I think about it, if the small changes in my life are making a difference, what will happen if I make even more changes?  Actually stick to the things that I said I would do?

So again, I am making the step to stop eating fast food.  I know I have made this promise before, but this time, I am ready to step up, and make myself work for it.  I also had my parents bring up a bike today, and since I live close enough to work, I am going to start biking when it is nice out.  It's about a half hour walk and a 5 minute drive, so no reason not to ride a bike!

I also have many projects going on right now.  I am working on a present for my BFF's wedding (although she already probably knows what I am getting her, since I not so subtly asked her what her color preferences were.. lol).   I have about 2 weeks to get it finished, so I need to get going!  I also have a pattern for Felted Slippers.  My mom got me a pair for Christmas and they fell apart, so I am hoping to make my own!  I also want to make headbands... and baby hats... and a baby afghan is on the list too!  I think keeping my hand busy keeps me from snacking too, so that helps a lot!

So this is a new step in my journey, and I'm hoping I can have the strength to do it!

Confused

So, I guess I'm feeling conflicted right now.

I have always been overweight.  And it's gotten to be a part of me.  Not necessarily a good part, but it is still a part of who I am.  Everyone always says you should be happy with yourself.  And I feel like I am.  I don't feel like I need to lose 100 lbs to make myself a better person.  But, there's still that part of me that really does.  Who am I losing weight for?  Is it for myself?  It's it so I don't feel so out of place around other people?  I feel like I don't know why I am doing this, so it makes it even harder to actually get up and be motivated.

Maybe if I were single I would be more motivated.  But why should I lose weight for someone to love me?  I found someone who loves me the way that I am, and he is behind me 110%, whether I lose weight or not.

And now, reading over what I just wrote, it sounds like a bunch of excuses.  And I feel like I am just lazy, I don't want to put that effort in to lose the weight and be healthy.  And, as horrible as it sounds, it's not going to happen until I get over that and am ready to work hard.  No one said it was going to be easy, and I went into it knowing that.

Blah.  Just so many things going on in my life right now... I feel like the next few months are so unsure.